


Secrets

by Human_I_think_not



Series: Tarsus IV [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek TOS - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, M/M, Multiple Personalities, PTSD, Panic Attack, Tarsus IV, Trauma, Whump, did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:40:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23650972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Human_I_think_not/pseuds/Human_I_think_not
Summary: Jim's been hiding the fact that he was on Tarsus for so long he's forgotten how to talk about things. Also he has Dissociative Identity Disorder, which comes from severe trauma. I swear the actual fic is better than the summary, I just can't summarize very well.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Series: Tarsus IV [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702741
Comments: 11
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

It was hot, so hot. He was melting into nothing. He needed water, they all did, but the stream had dried up days ago. Now there was only the painthirsthunger. He had to go back before all the emaciated bodies around him gave up. It had already happened to Triste, her Andorian body not able to tolerate such heat, used to the cold snows of her own planet. The humans of the groups, JT included, would be next. Then the Vulcan twins. JT couldn’t - wouldn’t - let that happen. He’d get his kids supplies no matter what.

Time seemed to jump and he was outside the warehouse. He sauntered up to the guards, his most winning smile forcibly plastered onto his face. They returned it with predatory smirks. He wouldn’t have to make his pitch tonight, these guys knew him. Before he knew it they’d started and all he felt was burningpainhurtdangerfear - but this was for his kids. He wouldn’t let them die, not when he could do something about it not when-

Time jumped again and JT was in a new place. His mind was foggy and all he saw was brightwhitelightburningpain. He tried to get up but he was strapped down and he couldn’t move and now there was a woman in a Starfleet uniform and where’d she come from? How’d she get that?  
“Now number 7 I need you to try to reach out with your mind.” He did what he was told as fast as he could. He knew what happened when he didn’t do what the people here wanted. It would be whitehotburningpain so JT reached out and felt the woman’s mind and since when could he do that? “Interesting…”

The not-Starfleet woman wrote something down and then it changed again and this time he was being cut into and it was hurtwhitehotpain and “Not again please not again I didn’t do anything I swear please not again I’ll do anything please” JT realized he was crying, realized he was screaming, realized this was all so wrong but he felt hands on him and his mind said fightrunprotecthurtscaredhelpconfusedrun so he fought and fought and it took him a while to realize that the other person wasn’t fighting back.

JT was scared so he did what he knew how to do. He reached into the person’s mind and felt painlovehurtconfusion and then he felt the man in his own mind and nonono I don’t know anything I swear don’t hurt my kids don’t hurt my crew… Crew?  
“You are James Tiberius Kirk, you are aboard the USS Enterprise, and you’re safe.” The mans - Vulcans? - voice was loud and clear and safe and JT realized his eyes were closed. He opened them and everything was blurry and he was crying.  
“Help...” He winced. His throat hurt. He clung onto the man like a lifeline.  
“You are safe Jim. I promise.” JT smiled, didn’t even correct him about his name. He was safe. He snuggled up against the man, felt him stiffen and then relax. He fell asleep in this strange person’s protection.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim woke up on the floor feeling like he’d been hit by a truck. Not unusual for the times he went out drinking, but last night… he had to think hard about what he’d been doing. That wasn’t a good sign. He stretched, about to get off the carpet when his hand hit something warm. He was up in an instant, which was a bad idea because now he felt like he was going to pass out. Or throw up. Possibly both. That wasn’t a good sign either.  
“It is alright, you are safe.” Spock picked himself up carefully from where he’d been in light meditation, “I will not hurt you.”  
Jim huffed a laugh, “Course you won’t Spock, but why are you in my room?” Spock eyed him like he was some new species.  
“Fascinating,” He quirked an eyebrow, “What do you remember of last night Captain?”  
Jim winced, “Not enough to be discussing it early in the morning with my First Officer. I’m going to get a shower and get dressed. Be back in five.” His First Officer merely stared at him,  
“I suggest you check the time Captain.”  
“Oooookay then… Computer, what’s the time?”  
“The time is 16:37” Jim stared  
“Spock is my computer broken? Please tell me it’s broken because if it’s right we’re both really late for our shift!” Spock looked at him impassively, but there was confusion in his eyes.  
“Captain I suggest you take a shower and change into civilian clothing. I will do the same and then return to your quarters to explain.”  
“Is this some new way to tell a Captain he’s fired, Spock?” Jim’s voice was light, but he was concerned.   
“You have not lost your job Captain. Please trust me.”   
“Whatever you say…” Jim stared at Spock like he’d lost his mind, but as Spock left the room he did what he’d been told to do. It was never smart to ignore his First Officer, even if he did sound like he’d lost his marbles. Besides, a shower sounded really good right now.


	3. Chapter 3

Spock stepped out of his Captain’s quarters for the first time in three days, having programmed the computer to alert him to any sign of distress in the Captain days ago. He nodded at crew members as he passed them in the halls, hoping that he did not look as distressed as he felt. After what felt like an eternity he stepped into his own cabin, trying and failing to repress a sense of relief at once more being among his own possessions. His control had vanished the second Jim failed to recognize him. It would take a long session of intense meditation to get rid of these emotions. He didn’t have time, there was never enough time. Trying once more to repress these illogical emotions and failing, he stabbed down on the intercom button,

“Spock to Doctor McCoy.” The vid link connected and Spock immediately regretted not ‘freshening up’ when he saw the look on McCoy’s face.  
“My God Spock, is it that bad? What’s wrong with Jim?” The amount of concern the Doctor was exhibiting was… gratifying.   
“Doctor,” Spock inwardly winced at the sound of his own voice, “If you are not too busy I request that you meet me in the Captain’s quarters wearing your least threatening civilian clo-”  
Help! Jim screamed it into Spock’s mind, he could feel it, the raw emotion, the pain, the hurt and pain and fear and-  
“-ock! Spock! Dammit, I’m comin’, don’t ya move, ya hear me?” Spock barely managed to nod, his mind was burning hot with Jim screaming for him. He had to go to him, had to had to do something to stop the burninghotpain he couldn’t breathe he was burning he would soon only be ashes only ashes there was so much pain he had to do something soon before he burnt before Jim burnt!  
There were hands on him, cold, cold hands and he wanted to fight but they were grounding him and the last vestiges of logic remaining in him told him that he needed this. He could think again the cold was helping him think. He gripped the hands as tightly as he could and ordered his mind to think!  
“Spock are you with me? C’mon darlin’ focus okay?” Spock blinked and forced himself to focus, focus!  
“Leonard - go! Jim now!” The doctor looked at him, confused and concerned. He had to explain, had to get Jim help had to get the burning to stop  
“Please go, Jim’s quarters, mind to my mind burning so much pain help him!” He had to go had to go help Jim, “I’ll come, walk, go!” That convinced him. The blessedly cool hand helped him up and he stumbled after the doctor towards Jim’s cabin, trying to force calm on the mind that had latched onto his. It was helping, the fire turned to coals but he could still feel the pain, the blind panic.

He blinked, realizing he was in Jim’s cabin and the doctor was gone, but the fear was ebbing and he could think again. He could hear the soothing lilt of the familiar southern accent. Jim’s mind was still in his, but he was comforted. He felt safe and that was enough.


	4. Chapter 4

“Alright now darlin’, I need ya ta let me fix some ‘o them nasty scratches here, okay?” The man was nice, Spock said safe, the other man in his head said Bonessafehelpletmeout but JT was here now. JT would keep them safe. “This here’s a protoplaser, it’s gonna fix up those scratches, okay Jim? Ya still with me?” 

“My name’s JT, not Jim. You can do whatever you want to me. Just don’t hurt my kids please don’t hurt them.” He internally kicked himself for sounding so cocky and weak all at once. 

“I’m a doctor darlin’, I won’t hurt no one.” The man looked like he would say more but he was a doctor? Doctors meant hurtexperimentsnumber7 and that wasn’t- he couldn’t-

“Can’t...breathe…” He gasped brokenly and groped for something solid to cling to that wasn’t this doctor this man that everyone said was safe but couldn’t be couldn’t be safe. “Don’t hurt me nonono no more no more please can’t breathe need my kids please please my kids” He was crying again, he was scared again. He couldn’t help couldn’t protect them anymore. He had to go. Jim would fix it, had to fix it!


	5. Chapter 5

Bones McCoy watched his friend backed into a corner of his bathroom like a wounded animal and sobbed and panicked and called for his kids. He couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t do anything without making his best friend panic even more. So he just kept talking, begging Jim to just breathe, but then Jim’s face changed, he looked puzzled,  
“Bones, what’s going on?”


	6. Chapter 6

“Bones, what’s going on?” Jim wiped the tears off his face, “Why was I crying?” Bones looked at him, he was hurting, Jim could feel it. “...Bones?”

“Jim what the hell?!” Bones looked like he was about to start crying himself or maybe yell. Maybe both at once. Luckily Spock chose that moment to burst in, but he looked disheveled, emotional. His wild eyes found Jims and Jim shuddered,  
“JT! Are you all right? Your mind left mine I can’t feel you there and I thought you were dead but that wasn’t right and-” Bones put a calming hand on Spock’s wrist and Spock stopped, taking shuddering breaths.

“JT?” Jim stared at his friends, “What’s wrong with you guys?” Spock looked exhausted and confused and hurt. Bones looked like he was battling the vestiges of panic and exhaustion both. 

“Alright, you both look ready to collapse and to be honest, I feel the same way. How about we both sleep for a few hours and meet back here?” Bones’ face changed color several times, while Spock looked like he wanted to slap Jim for just making the suggestion. 

“Like hell we’re leavin’ ya! Wild horses couldn’t drag me away ya idiot!” Bones’ eyes flashed with anger and indignation.

“I agree. The last time I left you it resulted in a debilitating panic attack which I also experienced as you linked our minds. I am not leaving!” Spock struggled for his control, but in the end, he just gave up on it.

"Okay, what if you stay in my cabin? You could go one at a time so that one of you is with me. Grab stuff from your cabins or something?" Jim was nothing if not a negotiator and he wanted his friends to be safe. Needed them to be safe. 

"Fine ya idiot. Spock, you go first. Grab some 'o them fancy Vulcan clothes. Get a shower, you look like hell warmed over." 

"Of course doctor." As Spock left the room Bones glared at Jim,  
"Alright Jim I think it's time ya told me what the hell's goin' on!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry if this stops making sense. If anyone has any questions just comment!

“What the hell is goin’ on?!” Bones hissed at Jim, “And don’t you dare try ta lie ta me ya self sacrificin’ idiot!” Jim shrunk back and Bones immediately regretted his harsh tone. Still, if it got Jim to tell him what was wrong…

“I…” Jim looked completely lost, “I have no idea. I swear I’m not lying Bones!” He looked like he was going to start crying again out of sheer frustration.  
“Are ya sure darlin’? Because generally, when a man has a panic attack on the bridge, doesn’t recognize anyone he knows, locks himself in his cabin for three days and only accepts food from his first officer, he knows why.” Jims face scrunched up and he crossed his arms, leaning back to put space between himself and his best friend. His tone was confused and defensive,

“I… don’t remember any of that,” He shifted uncomfortably, “Are you sure that happened?” Bones’ first instinct was to snap that of course it happened, but he looked into his friends eyes and Jim really didn’t remember.

“Yeah I know it happened Jim, I was there for most of it.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense… I mean I haven’t blacked out like that since-” Jim paled, “What were you calling me before Bones?” Bones was well and truly confused,

“Ya said ta call ya JT, why?” Jim smiled grimly,

“Well, at least I know what’s happening now.” Bones blinked in confusion

“What is it darlin’?” The endearment slipped out so easily, like it always did when Jim was hurt or sick or scared,

“Tell you later?”

“Jim…” He was worried. What was happening?

“I’ll tell you and Spock when you’re both rested okay? I promise I’m not dying or anything if that helps.” He wanted to argue but one look at Jims face told him he’d just upset him further. So he nodded and settled down to think.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok nothing makes sense anymore I dont even know whats happening and I'm very tired so sorry guys

“I promise I’m not dying or anything if that helps…” Jim trailed off, scared that Bones would argue because he knew Bones would win and he’d tell him everything and Bones would hate him and call him crazy and stop him from being captain. The rational part of his brain told him he was being an idiot. Bones wouldn’t abandon him, and as long as he wasn’t a danger to himself or others, he wouldn’t snitch to Starfleet either. Still, since when did he listen to the rational part of his brain? But he did have to tell Bones and Spock. They deserved to know how messed up he was. If they left and never came back- which they wouldn’t do, his rational side reminded him, then at least he’d told someone, right? He leaned back against the wall and sighed. He was tired, so so tired. If he just got some rest he knew he’d feel so much better but the thought of nightmares forced his eyes open. Staying awake it was. He sagged back against the wall again. He could at least rest his eyes, right?

\----

“Jim! Jim!” Jims eyes snapped open and he pushed away the hands that had come to rest on his shoulders.

“Bones? Whas goin on?” He yawned and stretched, suddenly becoming aware of the dampness of his face, “Was I crying again or something?”  
“Yes, you were! Dammit Jim I thought I’d lost you again!” Bones searched his eyes, looking worried.

“‘S fine Bones, wont switch ‘less JT says danger ‘n since you an’ Spock’re keeping us safe ‘s fine” He patted Bones’ shoulder reassuringly and settled back down to sleep some more, only to be shaken back awake.

“What’d ya say Jim?”

“I said wont switch ‘less there’s danger, promise. Can I sleep now?”

“One last question, what’d ya mean ‘switch’?”

“Bonseyyy you’re a doctor or something look up DID ‘n lemme sleep” He swatted at Bones sleepily and closed his eyes, snuggling back down into the bed he’d somehow gotten into, slipping back into his dreams.


End file.
